


Pink Carnations in My Throat

by hopesartcastle



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26315458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopesartcastle/pseuds/hopesartcastle
Summary: Nathalie gets Hanahaki for Gabriel and decides to hide it from him.
Relationships: Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/Nathalie Sancoeur
Comments: 68
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a writer. I am very insecure about writing pretty much anything. But I decided to rip off the band-aid and post this non-beta read chapter because if I don't post it now, I probably never will. I do hope to get a beta for this for future chapters so maybe the writing isn't AS cringey.  
> I have a couple of reasons for posting this. First is to try and get past my insecurity. Second, I love the Hanahaki trope so much that I wanted to give it a go. and the last reason is to just have fun.  
> Many thanks to the amazing people in the Gabenath Book Club Discord for being so inspiring and supportive! I know this is going to probably be a huge surprise to you guys but I've been sitting on this for months.   
> Anyway, thanks and sorry for the cringe.

“How long have you had the cough?” the doctor asked.  
“I’ve had a cough since I was in high school. It was never serious or bothersome so I never came in for it.” Nathalie responded.  
“You mentioned petals?”  
“Yes. I know it doesn't sound sensical.”  
“How long has that been going on?”  
“This would be the second day this week.”  
“And the blood?”  
“A couple of weeks.”  
“Well I have a pretty good idea of what this is. I believe you have early stages of Hanahaki.”  
Nathalie only stared at him. It was difficult for him to guess what she was thinking. He assumed she had never heard of it and continued, “It's when you are in love with someone who has not confessed their love for you in return. When the feelings begin, a flower starts to grow around your heart and lungs. In ur case, it is likely that the person you have feelings for, you met in high school. Depending on many factors, the flowers might not have grown anymore until recently. Has this person come back into your life since high school?”  
“Not really. There was a couple of years when he first went to college that I didn't see him but that was decades ago. I've seen him nearly every day since then.” She said, no longer keeping eye contact. She has never felt comfortable talking about her feelings.  
The doctor becomes hopeful, “This might be a good thing then. Is it possible that he has feelings for you as well?”  
“No.” Nathalie answered quickly.  
“How can you be sure?”  
“He’s married.” she said looking at the side wall, thinking of how Gabriel still wears his wedding ring. She knows that Emilie is gone but Gabriel’s love for her is still as strong as when she was alive and well. He may as well still be married.  
“I see.” the doctor said. His tone was much sadder than Nathalie had expected. She looked back at him.  
“Well there are 2 cures for Hanahaki. The first being that the other person confesses that they have the same feelings. After such a confession, the flowers will dissolve instantly.” the doctor started.  
“and the second cure?” she asked quickly.  
“Is to surgically remove the flowers.”  
“That’s fine. How long is recovery? I will need to inform my boss.”  
“You must understand, removing the flowers will remove all of your emotions. You will never be able to feel again.”  
Nathalie’s external expression didn't change. Internally however she felt despair. She knew Gabriel would never have feelings for her so the first cure was out of the question. But to never feel any emotions ever again? Sure she doesn't express much anyway but she can't imagine losing what little feeling she has. Would her love for Adrien be removed? It’s a feeling isn't it? She couldn't bear to think of never feeling again. She nodded to herself after coming to the conclusion that both cures were impossible.  
“What happens if I choose not to be cured?” she asked.  
“The flowers will continue growing. The coughing will progress and become harsher and more frequent. Eventually the petals will turn to full flowers. Finally, the flowers will fill your lungs and you will no longer be able to breath. Hanahaki untreated leads to death.” he finished.  
“How long do I have?”  
The doctor still shocked that her demeanor hasn't seemed to have changed in the slightest.  
“Each case is different. At most, you might have a year.”  
She blinked, “I'd like some time to think about this. Thank you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathalie struggles to hide her Hanahaki from Gabriel and Adrien.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the amazing Kissmyapplejuice to beta for me! She's amazing and helped this chapter actually be worth something :P

Gabriel walks into his office and sees Nathalie, sitting at her desk, reading a book on ancient diseases.

“Ancient Diseases,” Gabriel reads the title of the book aloud from across the large room. Nathalie quickly closes the book and puts it to her side, but she realizes it’s too late, “why the interest?” He asks as he walks over to her.

“Oh...I bought this book when Emilie first started showing symptoms. I was hoping to find a cure for her. I stopped reading it when she... anyway. In light of my recent condition, I thought I should pick it up again.” She says referring to the effects of the Peacock Miraculous as a cover.

“Are you getting worse?” He asks. 

She could see the concern in his eyes, and metaphoric butterflies begin to flutter around in her stomach. The sensation makes the petals become aggravated, and it sends a rough scratch up her throat causing her to start coughing violently. Gabriel rushes closer to her side, leaning down to her eye level, fear now evident on his face. Nathalie feels the blood come up through her throat with every cough, and she knows she wouldn't be able to hold the blood in her mouth much longer. She stands to try and retrieve a tissue from a table in the center of the room, but Gabriel’s hand stops her.

“Nathalie, sit! You must rest.” He protests.

She ignores him and continues as the blood begins to spill from her lips. Nathalie raises her fist to cough into it hoping to catch the blood and petals before they fall. She can't tell if she manages to keep them in her mouth. She uses her other hand to quickly grab the tissue as she continues coughing. She lets a few petals out of her mouth and into the tissue, causing it to turn a deep red. Gabriel starts to approach from behind her, and she grabs three more tissues as fast as she can to wipe any remaining blood from around her lips. Gabriel walks to her side.

“Please, Nathalie, you must sit.” He says, putting his arm on her shoulder. She quickly rejects the sentiment and moves away. She bunches up the tissues in her hands to try and hide the bloodstains and petals.

“I’m fine. I should get back to work anyway.” She says as she turns and leaves.

Gabriel looks in her direction even after she is gone. It wasn't like her to be this distant. He looks to the floor to ponder when he sees something red. He kneels down to see what seems to be a pink flower petal, wet with red liquid.

* * *

Nathalie enters Adrien’s room just as he finishes his piano practice. She still feels a tickle stuck in the back of her throat since leaving her desk but a few coughs out in the hall hadn’t helped. All she needs to do is say one sentence to Adrien. She can tolerate the discomfort until she leaves his earshot.

“Adrien, your father wanted me to inform you that he has agreed to have dinner with you tonight at-” a cough forcefully interrupts her sentence and quickly progresses into a cacophonous fit.

“Nathalie!” Adrien rushes to her. She puts up one hand to ask him to stay back, but he ignores it as she continues coughing. The boy tries to place a comforting hand on her shoulder, just as his father had, but she shakes his off, too. She brings both hands to her mouth to muffle the sound. When the episode is over, she pulls her hands away from her mouth and sees a pink flower amidst her blood-covered hands. She sighs and leans her head back, closing her eyes.  _ A full flower _ . She thought she had more time.

“Nathalie?” Adrien asks as if to ask one-hundred questions all at once.

She looks at him for a moment in defeat. “Excuse me.” She says, rushing to the bathroom and leaving Adrien's shocked expression behind her.

* * *

Nathalie opens the bathroom door to see Adrien waiting outside.

“Adrie-“ She starts but is quickly interrupted by a very concerned Adrien.

“What's happening to you?”

“Nothing for you to worry about.” She says with a weak smile.

“Does my father know?” He asks, sternly.

“He knows enough.”

“I've never heard of anyone coughing up...” His worry showing through his resolute expression.

“It isn't common.” Nathalie cuts him off and sighs, “Look, Adrien, I appreciate your concern but you mustn't worry.” She puts her hand on his shoulder to try and provide more ease “It’ll be alright.” She says smiling again.

“Did you see a doctor?” Adrien asks, not buying her facade.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Everything’s going to be fine.” And it will be. Nathalie isn't his mother. Gabriel can hire another assistant.

* * *

“You’re dying.” Adrien says after he enters the atelier, abruptly. She stops typing out her email, shocked by Adrien’s sudden presence and question.

“What?” Nathalie asks, panic growing in her chest as she looks at the boy in front of her.

“I researched your symptoms online.”

“Now, Adrien, you can't believe everything you read on the internet.” She says waving it off and tries to go back to her work, hoping Adrien would drop the subject.

“You have Hanahaki, don't you?” His tone demands an answer from her, and Nathalie stops typing again as she tries to think of a response. Adrien speaks again, but this time his voice is more annoyed, “I knew it. Father hasn’t said he loves you, has he?”

Nathalie looks at Adrien, confused. “Of course not. What does he have to do with this?” 

Nathalie hadn't told anyone about her feelings for Gabriel, so she wonders why Adrien would even bring him up in regards to her Hanahaki. How could he possibly even suspect her feelings, let alone the non-existent feelings for her from his father?

“I had assumed Father had already told you his feelings.”

Nathalie looks at him with even more confusion.

He answers her unspoken question, “I know you’re in love with him Nathalie. He’s the reason you have this. He has to be.”

“Is it that obvious?” She finally says after a long pause. Her eyes looking at her hands, shamefully.

“You both are terrible at hiding it. I thought you guys had been dating for months.”

“Dating?” Nathalie repeats, out of disbelief at the boy’s words. “No,” she affirms, “your father doesn't love me that way.” She finishes, matter of factly.

“Well, that's not true.” Adrien replies, stepping around the desk to place a hand on Nathalie’s shoulder.

“I’m his assistant, Adrien, nothing more.” He lets out a light chuckle as he rolls his eyes at her.

“Come on, Nathalie, you can't believe that.”

“It's sweet of you to think otherwise, but that's how it is.” She says, straightening her already perfect posture. The small movement causes Adrien’s hand to fall to his side, and his smile fades as he looks down at her.

“If you’d just talk to him I’m sure he’d-“

“No!” She stops him from finishing his thought, “he’s still in love with your mother, as he should be. I can't get in the way of that.”

Adrien’s mood shifts to less casual and more serious and somber, “Nathalie, I saw that Hanahaki...it leads to death,” He pauses as his face is suddenly full of worry, “unless father tells you-“

“A person can't just say that they love you, they have to mean it.” Nathalie cuts him off again, trying not to let any more of her emotions slip through.

“He would if you just talk to-“

“I know you want what’s best for me, Adrien, but your father saying he loves me out of pity for my condition isn't going to heal me.”

“The only other option is for it to be surgically removed, which I read removes all feelings. If you won't tell father about your feelings, does that mean that you’re going to have the surgery?“

“Would you want that, Adrien? Do you really think that’s better?” She asks him, genuinely. 

“It’s better than you dying!” Adrien nearly yells.

Nathalie’s intercom buzzes, so she presses the button to let the call through. Gabriel’s face appears on the small screen, and Nathalie curses her heart as it flutters, irritating the flowers in her lungs again. “Nathalie, get Adrien ready for dinner. I’m almost done.”

“Yes sir.” She lets go of the button. After a moment, without looking up, she whispers softly to Adrien, “Please don't tell your father.”

“I thought you said he knew?”

“He knows that I'm sick, but he doesn't need to know why.” She waits for Adrien to give some non-verbal cue of agreement, and when he gives a small nod, Nathalie breathes a small sigh of relief. “Now, you heard your father. It's time to get ready for dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have much to say in my notes this time but I just wanted to end the chapter with thanking everyone in the Gabenath server for being so helpful and supportive! and another huge thanks to kissmyapplejuice for agreeing to beta for me. I'm trying not to talk so negatively about my writing so we'll just leave it at that :P


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien attempts to get Gabriel to talk to Nathalie about her cough.  
> Nathalie's Hanahaki takes a turn for the worst.

Gabriel sits at the head of the table with Adrien to his left, waiting on their meals in silence. However, once the food is served, father and son begin a quiet conversation. Nothing of importance or anything that will advance into a worthwhile conversation, but each new topic ends with quick one-word responses and the sound of silverware clanging. Gabriel looks at Adrien’s forlorn face with some concern as the boy simply moves his food around his plate.

“Adrien, you seem rather upset tonight.” Gabriel says as he prepares his next bite.

Adrien perks up at his father’s words, finally seeing an opportunity to bring up the topic that had been plaguing him all day into their conversation, “I'm just concerned about Nathalie.”

“Whatever for?” Gabriel responds, maintaining his eyesight on his plate.

“I think she’s getting worse.” Adrien puts his fork down quietly to try and signal to his father that he wants him to focus on the conversation, not on the meal like he had been doing.

“She’ll be fine, Adrien,” He continues to avoid looking in Adrien’s direction as the guilt of Nathalie’s condition starts to eat at him, “she just gets dizzy spells some-“

“I think it’s more than just dizzy spells, Father,” Adrien’s fist clenches under the table at his father’s inability to see between the lines, “her cough is getting worse.” Adrien’s tone becomes more serious as he, once again, tries to get his father to understand his worry without having to say it outright.

Gabriel starts replying in the most stoic way possible, “I'm allowing her to take more time off-“

“I'm not talking about letting her work less!” Adrien says, his volume increasing, unconsciously, as his anger begins to grow. Why didn’t his father see what was happening? Was he really that blind? When he realizes his emotions were getting the better of him, he stops to calm himself down so his father wouldn't become upset. Adrien takes a few deep breaths before asking meekly, “If you could just talk to her about...”

Deciding to ignore his son’s sudden outburst, Gabriel takes a deep breath as he sets his fork down, a little harder than he meant to, before turning to face Adrien, “Talk to her about what, Adrien?”

“About her cough!” Adrien’s tension begins to rise again due to his father’s willful ignorance.  _ Maybe his father was that blind. _

“I don't see what good it would do, Adrien, I’m her boss not her mother,” Gabriel responds stiffly, “Nathalie is a grown woman who is completely capable of taking care of herself. If her illness is truly an issue then she will talk to me about it. However, if she doesn’t and I bring it up, then I would be overstepping the boundaries between boss and employee.”

Adrien looks away from his father instead, focusing on his plate of food, “Don't you care enough to ask,” his voice is barely above a whisper, “even as just her employer?” 

Gabriel doesn’t respond but stares blankly at his son, and with his silence, Adrien assumes that his father is annoyed with how much he challenged this topic. The young boy hopes that he hadn’t just pushed his father further away from considering having a conversation with Nathalie. Adrien knows his father is far from acknowledging his feelings for Nathalie, but he knew if they spent more time together, then his father wouldn’t be able to ignore his feelings for very much longer. 

Gabriel finally speaks, deciding to put an end to this conversation, “Dinner will be over in ten minutes. I don't want to spend the rest of the meal fighting.”

Adrien looks down at the table in defeat, “Yes, Father.”

The two finish dinner without saying another word, both of their thoughts plagued by Nathalie for the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning, Nathalie stands next to Gabriel in the atelier, her eyes still focusing on her tablet as she goes over Gabriel’s schedule, silently, one last time. They had just finished discussing it, but it never hurt to be thorough.

"Do you have any set plans for the Miraculous that I should know about?” She asks as she closes out of a few applications before turning her gaze to him.

“As per usual, I will inform you when I go to the observatory.” He monotonically replies while continuing to design at his podium, not sparing her a glance.

“What about Mayura or Catalyst?” She asks, mildly surprised that he isn’t including either persona in his plans.

“I won't be needing their assistance.” He replies, maintaining his statue-like expression. The slight callousness in his voice causes the petals to flutter slightly. She coughs but attempts to mask it, trying to make it seem like she was just clearing her throat. However, Gabriel isn’t fooled but tries to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

“But, sir, the odds of you succeeding are substantially higher when you have the aid of-“ As she attempts to cover another cough, Gabriel lets out a heavy sigh before putting his stylist down.

“You deserve some time off to rest. I've noticed your dizzy spells have become more frequent, and your cough is getting worse. I don’t want you to overdo it just because you think I need you by my side. Adrien is starting to...”

“I'm not overdoing it, sir,” She reaches out for him, but another cough surfaces, and this time, she isn’t able to mask it. However, once she gets it under control, she finishes with a brave face, “I just want to help you.” 

Gabriel feels his heart clench when he sees the pain she is hiding on her face, so he lightly grabs her arms, bringing her closer, “Then stay alive, Nathalie. For me. For Adrien.” He whispers as his eyes fill with  _ something _ . The look causes another flutter in her chest, irritating the flowers forming in her lungs even more, and as he continues to stare, the more they refuse to stay silent.

The petals increase their rage, causing her chest to collapse and inflate rapidly as she continues to try to hold back her coughs. Gabriel sees her struggle and steps away, but only slightly, to give her some more room. The first two coughs to escape her lips are loud and reminiscent of barking seals. They are so rough sounding that Gabriel swears that he can feel his throat hurt, simultaneously, with hers. She lowers her tablet and goes to cover her mouth with her right hand, which does nothing to mask the loudness of her coughs.

The next two coughs cause her to lose her footing, and Gabriel braces himself to catch her, if necessary.

Another series of coughs cause blood to start to spill from in-between her fingers, and a small trickle of petals begins to fall to her blazer.

The next cough hits differently, and she falls to the ground. Nathalie realizes that she is no longer trying to suppress the coughs but trying desperately to get oxygen back into her lungs. Her chest feels hollow as it tries to send vehement signals to her brain to scrounge for air. She puts the tablet on the floor and grabs her chest with both hands.

It is difficult for her to hear over her own choking, but she thinks she hears Gabriel say, “It's alright.” 

She feels his hand begin to rub tender circles onto her shaking back.  _ Why must he be so caring and sentimental? _ Any action that reminds her of her feelings toward him only seems to aggravate the petals more. The coughs continue to accelerate, and the blood continues to drip from her hands onto the petals that had accumulated on the floor in sad clusters. 

The sight causes a thought to pop into her head…s _ he can’t hide the Hanahaki from him any longer.  _

There’s no way that she can explain all these petals as a backlash effect from the Peacock Miraculous. Her sudden realization comes to a quick end when a full flower lands in her hands from her last cough. A pink carnation with red gracing the edges of the petals. The flower symbolizing her undying admiration for Gabriel. 

Before she has a moment to breathe in relief from the fact that the nightmare was over or to begin to process the bloom in her hand, her chest heaves again, letting out another series of coughs that don’t seem to have any hope of stopping. The flower falls onto her lap.

“Nathalie!” She faintly hears Gabriel call out to her amidst the ringing in her ears and her loud coughs. He says some other things, but she doesn’t hear them. Darkness begins to invade her vision until everything slowly fades to ebony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, huge thanks to my awesome beta KissMyAppleJuice!  
> The only thing I will say now is... this is not the end.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathalie wakes up. Gabriel has questions.

Nathalie slowly opens her eyes. The first thing that she notices is how much her chest aches, and how the disorientation still clouds her head. She tries to take a deep breath, but the pain in her chest denies her that most basic desire. After complying with her lungs request, she starts taking small breaths and looks around to see that she is laying in one of the guest rooms of the manor with Gabriel resting, looking rather uncomfortable, on a chair next to her bed. 

“Gabriel?” She says, surprised at the roughness of her own voice. Despite the fact that her utterance was barely loud enough to be heard by a rabbit, his eyes snap open, and he sits up quickly.

“You're awake. Thank heavens.” He says, his voice filled with an overwhelming sense of relief.

“What happened?”

“You started coughing blood and flowers, and then,” he pauses, “you passed out. The doctor said that you probably ran out of oxygen while you were coughing.”

“The doctor?” Nathalie says as she forces herself to sit up in an attempt to appear less sickly, but she feels herself wince at the pain, causing the charade to fall to pieces. 

He stands to approach her bed, putting a delicate hand onto her arm to encourage her to lay back down. The sensation of his fingertips warming her skin through her jacket sends a fire rocketing through her body and pulls the trigger on another murderous cough, thankfully this time, it’s only two. Blood and petals still collect in her hands, and she squeezes her eyes shut, wishing he hadn't seen any of this. Gabriel runs out the door and returns just as fast with a tissue box that he hands to her. She takes one to wipe the blood off of her hands before taking the whole box. 

“Thank you.” She says softly, feeling even more like a burden to him.

“The doctor said that the coughing up of flowers is a later stage of a condition called Hanahaki. She said it takes months to get to this point. How long have you known about this? Why didn’t you tell me, Nathalie?” He asks sternly, his concern coming off as anger and disappointment rather than sympathy. The tone causes her to cringe away from him, but that only causes him to move close, stirring the petals slightly.

“I'm sorry, sir, but I assure you that it hasn't disrupted my work.” She begins fidgeting with the tissue in her hand, tearing the fragile fabric apart.

“Who is it?”

Unconsciously, Nathalie looks up at him, involuntarily answering his question with her panicked gaze. She doesn’t  _ want _ to tell him. It feels impossible to even verbalize it. She doesn't want him to feel guilty for not returning her feelings, and she certainly doesn’t want the burden of him being the cause of her inevitable death to be on his shoulders. That wouldn’t be fair. Though she wonders if her silence and longing stare into his muted blue eyes will lead him to the answer that she can’t admit. The secret that has never fallen from her lips.

Gabriel looks away, “The doctor explained to me the cause of Hanahaki. You love someone who doesn't love you. Who is it?”

She looks back at her hands in defeat.  _ He has no clue _ , “It doesn't matter. He doesn't love me back.”

“Does he know?”

“That I love him?” Before she might've said yes, but if he has to ask her who she is in love with, it's obvious he doesn't know her true feelings, “No.” She finally says, and she silently curses the tremble in her voice.

Her curt answer just fuels Gabriel’s anger. His volume reaches higher levels with every question. Every sentence. Every accusation.

“How could you assume he doesn't have feelings for you?

_ Because you never could. _

Nathalie feels herself pull farther away from him, but Gabriel only seems to move closer.

“And with your life on the line,

_ It doesn’t matter. _

Nathalie squeezes her eyes shut as he keeps getting louder, curling into herself, trying to protect herself from his myriad of questions.

“Don't you think it's worth asking?

_ Your pity, your guilt, and your rejection would be too much for me to handle. _

The tears begin to prickle the outer corners of her eyes as she tries to drown out his voice. The petals start to stir in her chest, oddly providing a comfort among the rising stress of the outside world.

“What if he  _ does _ have feelings for you?!

_ You don’t. _

Her lungs lurch at his words. Her heart hammering away at her ribcage.

“You could be cured-“

_ It’s too much. _

“He’s married!” The words escape her mouth like a cork popping against its will, her volume reaching his own. She just wants this conversation to come to an end. It felt like a cruel joke having a conversation about the man she loves with that very man who was oblivious to her affections. However, she knows he isn't saying any of this to make her upset. He’s only trying to help. After some silence, Gabriel’s anger starts to dissipate, leaving a tense echo in the room. She assumes that he’s calming himself down, trying not to make her become anymore riled up. 

Softly, he continues, “I must admit. I was surprised when the doctor explained the nature of the disease. I couldn't think of who it was you were in love with. It sounds silly to say this, but I didn't think you knew anyone outside of work. You spend pretty much all of your days with Adrien, his bodyguard, and-“ 

He stops. 

Nathalie looks at him to see why, and her stomach drops to her feet when she sees the look of realization on his face. Panic sends a chill down her spine as she waits with bated breath for him to connect the dots.

“He’s married?” He asks, his voice barely audible as he looks back at her.

She turns away from his stare, not answering. She hopes that if he can't see her face then he might stop putting the pieces together. Maybe she can still keep her secret safe.

“Nathalie…” The pause after her name sends a stab throughout her chest, “who is it?” He presses again, leaning in closer.

“Please,” She says, her voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “don't make me say it.” Her eyes fall closed, further confirming his suspicions.

“It's me, isn't it?” 

The silence that fills the room is deafening as Gabriel waits for her answer. Her nod is barely noticeable, but she is sure that he sees it. Nathalie feels herself holding back tears as the silence carries on.

This was it. Every one of her secrets were out in the open now for the world to judge and laugh at.

“Oh, Nathalie.” He tenderly whispers.  _ Why? Why did he have to say her name like that?  _ “Why didn't you tell me? About any of this?” Gabriel gestures wildly with his hand as he finishes his care-laced words.

_ No, not care. Pity. In its most simple and plain terms _ . She curses herself at the reminder.

“You love Emilie. There’s nothing you could do for me,” She gives a shaky shrug, “knowing what was happening and having no way of stopping it or helping me would have only upset you.”

“The doctor said that you could have the flowers surgically removed. That  _ is _ something that I can help with. If you can't afford it, I can-“

“The surgery removes all feelings,” Nathalie brushes away a rogue tear that dared to escape her eyes, “I know it doesn't seem as though I have any, but I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without them. I want to be able to love and care for Adrien. I want to be able to feel passion for my work. I want to-” she presses her lips together and contemplates sparing him a glance to show him that she also doesn’t want to stop loving him, but she stops herself. “I've made my decision. I'm sorry you found out this way though I suppose you would have eventually.” Nathalie stays very factual, business-like, but still avoids looking at him, concealing her sadness the best that she knows how. With indifference.

“But without treatment…” He finds it hard to say. The words keep getting caught in his throat, “You’ll...” 

Nathalie thought he might have spoken with a knot forming in his throat, but she knows better. She’s just an assistant.

“I'm at peace with it.” She states calmly.  _ Too _ calmly for Gabriel’s taste.

“Well, I'm not. There must be another cure.” Gabriel looks around contemplatively until the idea dawns on him. He grabs her hand with excitement, “Perhaps with the miraculous we can-” 

“No.” Nathalie snatches her hand away, “No cures that can only come from a wish of the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses. You only get one of those, and you need it for Emilie. Don’t waste it on me.” A smile pulls on her lips, and that bothers Gabriel under the surface. Festering in a part of his heart that he can’t quite place.

He furrows his brows and doesn’t say a word.

She pulls the covers off of the bed and starts to leave, “Thank you for your help with the doctor today. I should get back to work.”

He remains frozen as she exits the room. The sounds of her heels against the wood and the shutting of the door echoing in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter but I felt this scene deserved to stand alone. I always love seeing different ways that they find out about each other's feelings and using Hanahaki to get halfway there has been super fun!  
> As always, huge thanks to KissMyApplejuice for being the best beta!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathalie struggles with the new dynamic now that Gabriel knows about her Hanahaki. The Agrestes worry that Nathalie is nearing the end and want to make some changes.

“And that is your schedule for the week. Let me know—” Nathalie lets out a few coughs that cause some petals to fall into the red-stained tissue that covers her mouth, sparring Gabriel from the grotesque sight, “—if you need me to cover for you if a perfect opportunity to seize the Miraculouses arises.”

“Of course. Thank you, Nathalie.” He looks at her with concern as he watches the bloody tissue disappear into her pocket.  _ Out of sight. Out of mind. _

She nods in response before turning to leave, trying to mirror the normalcy of the past. Since Gabriel had found out about her Hanahaki, nothing had quite been the same. Less strenuous workloads and longer breaks were added to her schedule. Nathalie found herself craving the times before he knew about her affliction. When he was unaware of her feelings towards him because now, every time they’re together, it’s as if he is talking to a person who’s about to breathe their last breath. And though it’s true, she misses the looks filled with kindness and affection. She’s grown quite weary of the looks of despair. 

“Nathalie?” Gabriel calls out to keep her from leaving. His hand eager to reach out to grab her hand and pull her close, but he stops himself.

Nathalie turns around to face him with a disheveled look. He knows she’s desperate to get away, to spare him from her pain, but she clears her throat to stave away another fit and gives him a slight nod, “Yes, sir?”

“How are you feeling?” The question had become a constant feature in their interactions. He had always asked her that before, especially after she took on Mayura, but now the way he asks is somber in nature, filled with condolences and dread.

“Fine, sir.” She responds plainly, holding back a cough as best as she can, but Gabriel sees the strain on her features.

“No. I mean…” He takes a deep breath, hating to bring up the topic specifically, “the Hanahaki. How is it today?”

“About the same.” The cough Nathaliehad been expertly holding back forces its way out in a raspy bark, and along with it, three pink petals.

“Good to hear.” He acknowledges with a monotone voice, unconvinced by her words, as she goes to her desk to retrieve more tissues. “I called the hospital, and they agreed to give you some painkillers. I’ll be going to get them around three.”

She coughs again, her fingers digging into the glass of her desk. Nathalie is grateful her back is to him so that he doesn’t see the trickle of blood that is slowly traveling down her chin.  _ Would he stop being nice? I’m his assistant. He shouldn’t be the one doing favors for me. _ Quickly wiping away the blood, she turns around and shakes her head, “Sir, you don't have to do that. I can go get them myself.”

“I need you here with Adrien,” he walks towards her, hoping the close proximity would allow her to open up more, “I can't have you overworking yourself.”

He gently puts his hands on her arm, forgetting his earlier fears, and suddenly, Nathalie feels like sandpaper is rubbing against the inside of her throat. The painful sensation causes a deep cough to surface, echoing off the marble walls. A wave of coughs follows, and Gabriel’s eyes go wide at his mistake. He backs away two steps as Nathalie collapses slightly, leaning on her desk as she reaches for more tissues. They both watch as the white fabric turns a deep red, similar to all the ones in her wastebasket. Like the ones that had been haunting them for weeks

“I'm sorry.” He grabs a tissue and hands it to her, keeping his distance for her sake, “I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have—” Nathalie holds up her hand, silencing him in an instant.

“It's not your fault, sir.” She lets out a small cough of a few petals, and wipes the drops of blood from her mouth. 

“It is my fault, though, isn't it?” Gabriel lets his hand fall, in defeat, to his side, “It seems you're worse when I'm around. You hardly cough when you’re with Adrien or conversing with any of the other staff. It’s only me.” He tries not to sound selfish in his statement, but he can’t help it. He misses spending time with her, talking over coffee, touching her hand.

“I mean, it's not your fault I have feelings for you.” Nathalie’s confession snaps Gabriel out of his daydream as she continues, “It's not like I can ask you to stop being the person that I love or for you to return my affections. That’s not how it works.” She nearly gasps, surprising herself for verbalizing her feelings even though he obviously already knows.

“I suppose not.” He looks down at the floor, helplessly, “However, I don't have to be so close. I can start working in my—” 

“No!” She says a little too quickly for her own liking, reaching out to grab his arm as he starts to go to the other side of the room. His jacket is softer than she remembers, but it was probably just the distance. Her pleading eyes meet his, begging him not to leave. As his gorgeous pale eyes meet hers, the electricity that it ignites within her sends another violent series of coughs up her throat. 

_ You’ve seen his eyes a million times before. Pull yourself together. _

She swiftly recovers and looks back to him with the same pleading eyes, “Please don't be distant with me. I don’t have to be with you every second, but—” Nathalie feels another cough start to creep up, but she swallows it down, “Can we try to keep things somewhat normal during my last few days?”

“Days?” Gabriel’s eyes widen, and she can almost swear she sees a sad, loving desperation behind them. His hand covers her, and she feels a familiar flutter in her chest as he complies to stay by her side. 

“It can't be much longer.” Another cough releases a blood-covered pink carnation into her tissue-filled hands. “I've been coughing up full flowers for a couple of weeks now.” She drops the bloody flower into her wastebasket, “It's a miracle that I'm not...already gone.” 

Gabriel looks at her as she retrieves three more tissues, the feeling of despair growing more in his chest. He can't remember the last time he felt this much grief, sorrow, and helplessness. His eyes widen in shock as he recollects that he can't remember if he felt this much pain when Emilie had been sick, but once again, his thoughts are interrupted.

“Perhaps you  _ should _ be the one to get the painkillers,” Nathalie gives in, struggling to breathe as she leans further into her desk. She looks at him with a broken stare, and her expression nearly sends Gabriel to his knees. The soft whisper that seemingly echoes after her heartbreaking look emotionally breaks him, “I'm sorry, sir.”

He begins to reach out to comfort her but recoils. Despite her request for things to return to normal, he doesn’t want to make things worse. Her breathing is ragged as she takes a few deep breaths, and the least he can do is eliminate the physical contact.

“Don’t apologize. It's a small task. I’m happy to help in any way I can. You should stay here and rest. I’m sure Adrien will be happy to keep you company.”

Nathalie is hit with yet another army of coughs at his kindness.

“I should...leave.” She manages to say in the lapses as she rushes out of the room. Her speed and desperation are similar to that of a person drowning deep in the ocean, grasping for the surface. 

When the door closes, the coughing finally subsides, allowing Nathalie a temporary relief from the effects of the Hanahaki. Warm tears begin to roll down her cold cheeks as she thinks of the last few minutes. She had just begged Gabriel to stay by her side because of her desire to have him close in her final days. However, she had no choice but to leave in order to catch her breath. After a few silent tears fall down her face, the coughing returns with a force that causes her to fall to the ground, having to catch herself with her hands. Her fingers curl into a ball as she realizes that even though she’d left Gabriel physically,  _ he _ hadn’t left her thoughts, and he never will. She can never truly escape the man she loves for as long as he is in her thoughts, the coughing will never stop. The pain will never stop, and the flowers will continue to bloom in her lungs until her body finally becomes a lifeless garden.

* * *

Nathalie is pulled from her slumber by the soft morning rays, and as she wakes, she finds a wetness pooling at the corner of her mouth, almost like she had been drooling. As her eyes flutter open, she sees red in her peripheral vision. She sits up with a fright to find that half of her pillow is soaked in blood, with a few clumps of wet petals scattered in the sea of crimson.

Apparently, even dreaming about Gabriel was a health hazard. She reaches for her mouth and feels the dried blood cracking along her chin and lips. Nathalie lets out a deep sigh, an indication of her annoyance with the constant cleaning and tidying that comes with her unrequited disease.

With her clean hand, she picks up her phone to check it and sees that she’s three hours late for work. She has dozens of missed calls from Adrien and Gabriel and a multitude of text messages. A panic courses through her as she thinks of the mental stress she had caused the two people she cares for the most, and a harsh cough follows, grating its way up her throat, spraying more red onto her already bloodied hand. She puts her phone back on her nightstand before it gets any blood on it and takes her pillow to the bathroom in an effort to save it. However, as she carefully takes the pillowcase off, trying not to get any more stains on it or her pajamas, it becomes apparent that the blood has soaked through the pillowcase and onto the pillow itself. There is no sense in saving either at this point. 

A pounding knock comes from her front door, startling her and causing her to clutch everything tighter to her chest. The unexpected guest causes Nathalie to look at her reflection, and she’s slightly horrified by the sight. The pale woman in the mirror is clutching a bloody pillow with a bit of crusted blood on her chin, some stains on her pajama top, and matted hair from sitting in the pool of blood overnight. She looks like a mess, but she is past the point of caring. She is at the point of the Hanahaki that there is no hiding that she is dying. Quickly, she puts the pillow on the sink and grabs her hand towel to wet and clean her face. The knocking repeats, seemingly louder than before.

“I’m coming!” She yells hoarsely as she throws the towel in the sink, adding to the pile of bloody objects, and pulls her hair into a messy bun before tying her robe tightly around her waist to hide any stains.

After making herself look less murderous, she rushes to the door to open it as the knocking persists without a break now. The door swings open, and a rough cough escapes her mouth at the sudden sight of the blonde man in front of her.

“Gabriel—”

He pushes his way in, even though she didn’t exactly open the door enough to signal a welcome, “Why didn’t you call? Did something happen? How are you feeling?” 

“I overslept, sir. I’m sorry.” She closes the door quietly behind him.

“I thought you had—” Nathalie watches Gabriel tense and clench his fists as he stops himself from saying what she knows he’s probably been fearing for hours. He takes a deep breath to contain himself to try not to raise his voice, “At least text me next time.”

“I only just woke up, sir.” 

He slumps down at her table and takes his glasses off to rub his eyes, an obvious tell that he’s greatly distraught. She sits across from him with a slight feeling of guilt brewing in her chest. Nathalie feels herself wanting desperately to reach out to comfort him but stops herself, knowing that it would do neither of them any good.

“I’d like you to stay with us.” He admits with a harsh whisper, keeping his eyes shut as he tries to keep his tears at bay.

“I don’t think that that’s appropria—”

He puts his glasses back on but avoids eye contact, “You already have a room. You’ve stayed over plenty of times before.”

“Before I—” A cough interjects due to the past memories of sharing a bed with him during her stint as Mayura when he wanted to keep a close eye on her. There was also the thought of living with him until she dies, “—I didn’t have Hanahaki.”

He looks at her sternly, but it softens when he sees her pained expression, “You having Hanahaki is the very reason you shouldn’t be here by yourself.”

Nathalie lets out another muffled cough, “I’ll be around you more.” Her fingers dig into the wood of her table as she feels the coughs bubbling below the surface, “It will only accelerate the—” The cough wins out, interrupting her, and she reaches for a tissue trying to muffle the grating sound. Gabriel takes the opportunity of the break in her rebuttal to keep pleading his case.

“Adrien was holding back tears when you didn’t show up. We were both worried out of our minds. Please, Nathalie,” He begs, his eyes still not meeting hers, “if nothing else…” She notices something shift in his tone that she’s unfamiliar with. She takes pride in knowing all of his emotions, all of his moods. She knows when he’s angry, sad, disciplinary, depressed, but this is different. Foreign. It’s like he’s putting a wall up to hide something. “I don’t want you…to die here, alone.”

He finally meets her eyes, showing how serious he is about this. He wasn’t going to back down without a fight. She searches his expression, trying to make sense of it. She’s never seen him look at her quite like this, and she doesn’t have a clue what it means. “If you choke in your sleep or you don’t make it to the manor in time before…” The lump in his throat can be heard in his words, and it causes the blossoms in her chest to quiver, but she ignores them because she is desperate to know what he’s going to say. “Before you inevitably…” He tries to continue but falters again. “I can’t bear the thought of finding you here like that. I can’t imagine...” He stops again, and his eyes fall back down to the wood grain of her table.

She thinks for a moment, trying to come up with a reason against it. The only objection she can come up with is the one she has already stated: that being around him more will only decrease the time she has left. However, she knows that he’s desperate and nearly begging through his held back tears. There are worse things in life than dying with the man she loves by her side. If living with him and Adrien gives them more peace of mind, then who cares if she dies a few days sooner? 

“Fine.” Nathalie agrees stoically, “I’ll get my things together and meet you at the mansion.” 

“Let me help you.” Gabriel stands up immediately and reaches for her, absentmindedly, eager to help.

She clears her throat and backs away from his reach, and she can see the pain on his face as she recoils. “You should get back to work and be with Adrien. You mentioned he was rather worried. You should go ease his mind.”

“I canceled all of my meetings for the day after the first hour you were late. As for Adrien, I texted him once I heard you were coming to the door.”

“Alright. Let me get dressed first, and then you can help me pack.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are officially over halfway!!   
> I hope you enjoyed the update.  
> As always, thanks to KissMyApplejuice for betaing!! <3<3

**Author's Note:**

> I know this was RIDICULOUSLY short. But I wanted to just post something to get this started. The next chapters will most likely include multiple "scenes" and therefore be longer. As well as probably have a beta and not be as horrible.


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